Two Officers and a Gentleman
by Le Penguin
Summary: Sometimes, Niou's pranks can go a bit too far.


A/N: This was written as a response to a drabble challenge by Chaco on my Livejournal. She wanted two Nious tormenting a Yagyuu, and somehow I twisted it into something rather odd.

* * *

Yagyuu stepped into the clubroom, went to his locker, and set down his bag. He entered his combination, opened the door, draped his jersey over one arm. He absently checked the small mirror on the door.

"Heya," said the two Nious at once.

Yagyuu regarded the mirror for a few more seconds before turning to march right back out the clubroom door.

"Hey, hey, where're you goin'?" asked one of the Nious, bounding forward to block Yagyuu's path.

"Yeah, you just got here..." purred the other, draping himself over the bespectacled boy.

"Yes, I did," Yagyuu replied, staring straight ahead. "And I'm going to leave, and then come back, and one of you will be gone. If you'll excuse me."

Niou-number-one gasped in mock outrage. "Well!" he huffed. "Did you hear that, Masaharu? Seems like Hiro-chan doesn't _appreciate_ us."

"I've never felt so used before!" wailed Niou-number-two, blowing his nose on Yagyuu's shirt.

Yagyuu grit his teeth, attempting to keep a poker face. "There are three explanations for this. The first is that I am hallucinating. If this is the case, then I apologize for my behavior, dear figments of my delusions. The second is that one of you played with Yanagi's laboratory, and I am being molested by the result. The third, and may I add, most plausible, explanation is that one of you is Niou and the other is another member of our fine team. Now, which one could it be?"

"I like the one with molestation in it!" Niou-number-two declared.

"And I'm so very surprised," Yagyuu said, dryly. He turned his attention to Niou-number-one, fixing him with a wounded look. "Masaharu, how could you? I thought what we had was special."

Niou-number-one blinked. "Gah?"

"Don't you play dumb with me." Yagyuu pressed his fingertips to his forehead, sighing. "And you couldn't even keep it private, could you? Couldn't keep it to a love hotel, you just had to come out and parade your new costume partner before me!"

Niou-number-one blinked again. "...gah?"

"Well, I've had it!" Yagyuu began to sob. "Had it, I tell you! I try and try to keep you satisfied, but you keep on screwing around with other cosplayers! WE'RE THROUGH!"

Niou-number-one blinked several more times. "...um. H-Hiroshi, I didn't mean to make you this upset...it was just a little joke, ya see--"

"A joke. A JOKE!" Yagyuu dabbed at his eyes with a hankie. "That's all I ever meant to you! All of those long nights sewing costumes! All of those long nights on the courts! All of those speech lessons! All of those blowjobs! JUST A JOKE!"

Niou-number-one was honestly bewildered, and honestly apologetic. "Hiroshi, Hiroshi, c'mon, I didn't mean it like that! You know I wouldn't have done it if I knew it'd make you this upset!"

Niou-number-two cuddled the sobbing Yagyuu close to his chest, glaring at his twin. "You monster."

"I'M LIVING A LIE!" wailed Yagyuu. He shoved Niou-number-two away, and whipped out a knife from his pants pocket. He held it high in the air. "Happy dagger, this is thy sheath! Rust here, and let me die!"

"HIROSHI!" shrieked Niou-number-one, lunging forward. "DON'T!"

Too late. Yagyuu slumped to the ground, the knife in his chest. Niou-number-one stared down, numb.

A long, silent pause.

Niou-number-two rose to his feet, taking his glasses out of his shirt and smoothing down his hair. "Now, Masaharu," said he, in Yagyuu's voice. "Have we learned a lesson today?"

Niou-number-one, henceforth referred to as Niou, gaped in mute shock at Niou-number-two, henceforth referred to as Yagyuu.

"...I...what? You're..." Niou groped for words, pointing shakily down at the boy on the floor. "Then who..."

Said boy rose up into a sitting position, unpinning the prop dagger from his chest. He took off his glasses, loosened his tie, and shook out his hair so it fell in loose waves.

"We have learned that Niou should be much more careful when he cosplays," Yukimura said, rising to his feet. He yanked Niou's tie hard enough to choke, staring stonily into his eyes. "And that the next time he dresses up as his captain to try and seduce his vice-captain, he will not get off as easily."

Niou just made a weak whimper.

Yukimura dusted himself off, went to his locker, and plucked out a towel. "And really? Get my hair color right, for god's sake."

With that, he marched to the showers.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY: When doing illicit cosplay, always rent out a room in a love hotel.


End file.
